I was born in Ulm, Germany, in December of 1987, & resided there for four years with my parents until we moved to the United States in 1991. I spent my elementary years in various suburbs just north of Chicago, including the former Army post, Fort Sheridan. I entered my pre-teen years while living on yet another Army post, the more popularly known Fort Knox, Kentucky. From there I moved with my family to a small town in central Minnesota, which I came to know as home throughout my teen & young adult years.
As a child I loved to read, write, & imagine. I loved to dance. I loved listening to music. I spent hours singing into a hairbrush as if it was a microphone, pretending I was the next Mariah Carey. I wanted to be on stage. I wanted to share my sound. And I wanted to teach. I remember using my own elementary workbooks to pretend I was grading the papers of my students. I wanted to share my love of life & learning with others.
I have multiple journals from every year of my life, starting from when I was five years old. I began writing poems when I was eleven. As a young teen I fell in love with the sound of Kurt Cobain's voice & would practice writing my own words to the melody of Nirvana songs.
My high school English teacher was the first to recognize my passion for writing, that it was a form of catharsis for me. A therapeutic practice. Around this time is also when my interest in studying human psychology began to reveal itself. I took an AP psychology course & was fascinated by the mechanics of perception of reality. I wanted to understand how the brain works. I wanted to understand how humans perceive light, color, & sound. I remember being especially intrigued by case studies of psychological disorder. I wanted to understand why some humans perceived reality in ways that other humans didn't.
As a college undergraduate at Winona State University, I selected psychology as my first major, intending to pursue a career in clinical studies & diagnostics. However, after a semester or two, I ended up switching to a major in English with a writing emphasis, settling for a minor in psychology. The mind fascinated me, but my psychology classes did not satisfy my curiosity to go deeper into what shapes the human experience of reality, & my linguistic impulses called me to the page. If I loved the mind, I also loved the language that shaped our experience of the mind. I loved learning about syntax & rhythm, the mathematics of building a sentence. I loved exploring philosophical thought. I loved thinking about how we think. I loved exploring the psychology of characters in my English literature classes. The perspective of the narrator. The development of plot. I loved deconstructing language according to the philosophies of Jacques Derrida. I loved the theatrics of passion & tragedy offered to us through the works of William Shakespeare. I loved poetry. I loved research. I was most at home in the library or the campus study lounge, listening to classical music through my headphones, composing my own symphony of words across the page.
By the time I graduated, I was mom to a beautiful baby girl & ready to keep building my own family while continuing to pursue my love for teaching, writing, & language. However, I was never able to prioritize a career over motherhood. My natural inclination as a mother was to focus on creating a nurturing home environment for my daughter, & so I was elated to be accepted into the low-residency MFA in Creative Writing program at Vermont College of Fine Arts, which allowed me to embark upon a two-year intensive study of poetry while still spending the majority of my time at home. I would write, read, & study in the early morning hours & during my daughter's nap time. Through VCFA I fell in love with poetry as my main medium of artistic self-expression & found & developed my unique voice as a poet.
At this time in my life, even though things on the outside appeared to be going well, my personal experiences of life became more & more painful in ways I wouldn't begin to understand until many years later. My internal landscape felt chaotic in a way I hadn't experienced before. My emotions felt like they had a mind of their own, & my own mind wouldn't stop racing with images of every possible worst case scenario. After graduating with my MFA, these painful experiences intensified. My twice-a-year residencies on the idyllic campus in Montpelier, Vermont had been my main sense of adult socialization & community. After graduating, that sense of togetherness was gone, & I felt more & more isolated. Eventually, I sought assistance from the Central Minnesota Mental Health Center, where I was told that what I was experiencing was a form of anxiety due to going through a lot of major rapid life changes while being in an environment that did not support my natural disposition as an artist.
Looking back, I believe that is an accurate analysis within the framework of the western mental health system. I appreciate that both the psychologist & the therapist I sought council from were not quick to label & medicate me & instead took into consideration my life experiences & social environment, which are major factors in anyone's state of mental health. However, what I would soon come to find out is that the framework of the western mental health system does not readily take into account the reality of life as a journey through the harmonics of consciousness, & how that journey at this point in time is part of a larger process of planetary & intergalactic consciousness rehabilitation. In the years to come, my experiences of internal pain would only intensify, & the pre-existing paradigms of mental healthcare would become less & less helpful in my quest to understand what was happening in my innermost realms. My direct experiences of the cosmic, multidimensional nature of reality were something I would have to narrate & claim for myself.
Poetry became my solace. On the page I was free to examine the rich & often cacophonous symphony going on inside of me. On the page I could see myself clearly as the inexplicable pain I was experiencing left me feeling more & more invisible to everyone around me. I did everything in my power to build a life that would afford me ample time to continue surrendering to the creative process that brought me so much clarity & inner peace. I felt that as long as I was free to write, I could manage anything else that came my way. However, the obstacles to building a life centered on the creative process innate to my being only seemed to grow in size & difficulty. Exasperated, I made one last attempt at a career in psychology, hoping the infrastructure of academic life would help me gain a stable footing in the material world.
While preparing my application for a PhD in clinical psychology, it occurred to me that if I was going to professionally study the mind & address disorders of it, I needed to thoroughly understand what the mind even is. The idea that the mind is merely a biological function of the brain did not satisfy me. I intuitively sensed there was more to the story, & it was my undying desire to get to the root of the fundamental mechanics of the mind that led me to consider a model of mental health that frames the mind as a microcosm of the macrocosm we tend to know as the Universe. It occurred to me that if we want to understand the mechanics of the human psyche, we need to understand the mechanics of reality itself. I consider this my principle eureka moment.
I had often joked that in a parallel life I was a theoretical physicist, because I loved to consider alternate dimensions & quantum theories of space-time matter. Suddenly, my joke didn’t seem like a joke anymore but an echo of a multidimensional aspect of myself that was now coming to life. I began applying my intuitive understanding of the properties of what we call “outer space” to the mechanics of the mind, or what we might call “inner space." Once I began understanding myself as a microcosm of the macrocosm that is reality itself, I began understanding myself as more than a physical body with a physical brain. I started experiencing myself as energy. As sound. As light. I realized that, through the power of perception, I could shift my awareness of who I am, which shifted my experience of who I am. I started rewriting my story.
Furthermore, I intuitively understood that there was an intrinsic order to the Universe, that disorder of the mind could only exist if there was an order against which disorder was experienced. Rather than look for & label disorders of the mind, then, I trained myself to be attuned to the harmonics of the cosmos I understood myself to be a part of at all times, which began to reveal to me both the harmony & the distortion of reality at its most primordial, subatomic element in any given moment. As a result, my life became intensely mystical in ways that shattered all my previous notions of the nature of reality. The concept of a fundamental separation between "outer space" & "inner space," between the individual & the greater life experience, collapsed. It was all One, & I was a unique expression of it.
The day the PhD application was due, right as I was about to turn 28, a small inner voice said, "Don't do it," & I listened. I didn't know what I would do instead, but it didn't seem to matter. In that moment, I started living my life according to the voice within, & nothing has been the same ever since. The more I nurtured that inner voice, the more clear that voice became, & everything that was built on anything but that inner voice began to expose its shaky foundations & fall away.
Consequently, over the next five years, I began to experience organic healing of the psycho-spiritual afflictions that had been plaguing me for years. The more I focused on remembering myself as One with the Source of life itself, the nature of which I intuitively understood to be unconditional Love, & the more I embodied this memory by making choices that aligned with the feeling, the more everything I was holding in my spiritual & cellular body that was not sourced from this Love purged itself from my being. This five-year period of radical personal transformation was not easy, nor was it a comfortable process, but I intuitively sensed I was being liberated from the grips of a pain that I had once felt doomed to be an eternal prisoner of. I kept following this path of liberation until doing so no longer felt like a choice but my natural way of being.
As I write these words, I am about to turn 33. In the time it would have taken me to receive a PhD in clinical psychology, I have journeyed to both the heights & the depths of multidimensional consciousness from within my own being. Through these experiences, I have gained profound insight into the quantum mechanics that naturally govern our experience of reality, which has radically altered the way I experience & navigate my life & relationships. My experiences also revealed to me the layers upon layers of false matrices & reality distortion that have been implanted within the collective human race & planetary body. I have decoded inverted systems of intergalactic warfare. I have tasted the eternal mystery of the Divine. I have walked through the flames of death & resurrection as led by Yeshua the Christ. And, perhaps most importantly, I have found the antidote to the seemingly endless internal pain I suffered from not too many years ago: the sound of my own voice in communication with itself as Love.
The organic self-healing power I work with is immense. After a year of trying to fit my reclaimed multidimensional intergalactic vision into a model of independent spiritual services, I realized that I cannot assist others without the context of a tangible architectural system that supports both me & those who might receive assistance from me. Further, I realized that this architecture would first need to be repaired & resurrected within my own multidimensional lightbody, for the experience of reality is a hologram, & the human being is the Divine technology through which this hologram is materialized. I realized even further that I really don't have to do anything but embody my organic frequency as an expression of Love, & the rest will unfold from there.
I tweet daily at @AlienHere2Love.